I read this book a few years ago, when I was curious about emotional intelligence. And this book didn’t fail. It broke down how to view emotional intelligence as a child of God.
It explained how some emotions, like despair, are deceptive; how not to let feelings rule, and how to grow in emotional awareness.
I particularly love the approach this book takes because it doesn’t just imitate the “embrace your feelings” mantra, while also not denying that people feel. There is a good balance between accepting emotions and questioning them, a skill we all need to grow in.
Here are some highlights from the book. Pick what resonates best with you, and apply it. If you prefer a full read, you can grab a copy here.
Table of Contents
Top highlights from Emotional Intelligence for the Christian by M. Blaine Smith
• Our emotions are an extraordinary force, like the wind, capable of driving us in both productive and unfortunate directions.
• His concern is that we learn to take responsibility, on all levels, for the life he has entrusted to us. This means becoming a good manager of our own emotional process, drawing on his help and insight constantly as we do so.
• Many people who are brilliant in their fields of knowledge can’t handle their feelings well.
Desires
• Our desires provide us critical insight into how God has fashioned us, and thus into his will for our life.
• One of the best steps we can take as a hedge against any one desire’s becoming an unhealthy obsession is to have a variety of friendships and interests.
• Many major life choices work best when we base them upon moderate rather than extreme attraction.
Decision Making
• Regard doubts that surface when we’re down as normal ruminations of our temperament, and not a valid take on reality.
Once we’ve diligently worked through a decision, we should stick with it—unless we encounter clear new information that gives us a strong reason not to proceed. “Don’t doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light”—it’s sage wisdom when we’ve made a decision carefully and prayerfully, but then are dogged with second thoughts.
• When we’re inclined to act impulsively for any reason, we should stop and identify exactly why, and consider whether we’re being driven to do something unwise that will come back to haunt us.
Setbacks
• Paul never viewed setbacks as God’s effort to thwart his long-term aspirations. If one opportunity to evangelize failed to materialize, he simply looked for a new one and kept knocking on doors till one opened. He remained remarkably optimistic that God would remedy things.
• God takes extreme initiative to hold on to those whom he chooses to belong to Christ, and to nurture and mature them. His chastisement will not be so vague that we’re likely to misinterpret it. If God wants to teach me a lesson about certain misbehavior, the lesson will be plain.
• When in doubt, we should err on the side of continuing to pursue a goal or dream. We need to view our life with the eyes of faith.
Anger
• Negative emotions can occur without sin being present.
• It’s always the action that proceeds from an emotion that is judged sinful. Sin occurs when I choose to nurture the feeling of lust, not merely through the emotion itself.
The most redemptive thing we can do when we feel compelled to confront someone we’re angry with is to consider as honestly as we can what the results will likely be. Are we confident that speaking our mind will help heal the situation? Then we should do so. If we’re less than certain about the outcome, we should hold our peace.
Critism
• Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
• It’s impractical to adopt an extreme position of never criticizing. Most of the time, when we believe someone will benefit from our criticism, or imagine we’ll experience catharsis by getting it off our chest, we’re mistaken. We sometimes help someone more by not offering our critique.
• We don’t fully own our life if our well-being depends upon how others think about us or respond to us. If I feel it’s necessary to tell someone off to save my pride, I’m letting that person have too much control over my life.
Discontentment
• Our discontent is sometimes his signal to seek a change. God may be alerting us through our frustration to seek improvements or even a new venue.
• Be certain you’ve given a situation a reasonable opportunity to prove itself. Be slow to read your uneasiness as guidance from God to move on.
• We shouldn’t let our fear be a basis for turning away from an opportunity that otherwise fits us well. It’s better not to leave unless we have a clear idea of where we’re going.
Despair
• Despair is an emotion with inertia. Left unchecked, it takes on a life of its own.
• Identify despair as soon as it starts to set in and realize you’re giving in to a deceptive emotion.
When life fails our expectations: withhold judgment. Most of our negative judgments are based on scant information; we don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes, nor how events will continue to unfold. Over time, we often find that setbacks have benefited us surprisingly.
• God often is concerned not with changing the situation, but changing us. He brings many difficult circumstances into our life to help us grow. His concern is that we learn to handle challenges effectively and not be easily unsettled by adversity.
Loss
• We are much more capable of rebounding from major setbacks than we normally imagine.
• Major misfortunes need to be grieved. Grief is sometimes an essential step. Give yourself a reasonable period to mourn your loss, to face the pain you feel and work through it.
• Remember how capable God has made you of bouncing back from disappointment. He has built into each of us the ability to let go of past hurts and refocus our affection in new directions.
✍🏼 I love this point because we tend to think disappointments in friendship, career, church life, and reaching personal goals are the end. Our minds, to an extent, know we’ll come out of the other side better. But our hearts tend to sink in despair because what we know in our heads is not fully known in our hearts. No opportunity is fully lost. We can find new opportunities as fulfilling as the ones we’ve lost.
Finally…
If you’ve read till this point, I’m sure you’ve learned a lot. I share highlights from books because it is a great way to stimulate your interest in reading, while giving you a starting point to learn from.
Take one or two principles, apply them, and read the whole book (there are more points the book discusses).
I’m confident you will walk away from the book with a better handle on your emotions.
Feel free to share what point stood out the most to you!
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Cover image by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
